I’ve heard a lot of great jazz jokes, both from musicians I know and those floating around the internet. In an effort to spread the laughs and pass on the humor. Here are some of my favorite jazz jokes I have come across! Be sure to share yours in the comments below.

How does a jazz musician end up with 1 million dollars? By starting with 2 million dollars.

What’s the difference between a jazz musician and an extra large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.

What do you call a jazz musician without a girlfriend/boyfriend? Homeless. 

St. Peter in Heaven is checking ID’s. He asks a man, “What did you do on Earth?”
The man says, “I was a doctor.”
St. Peter says, “Okay, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a school teacher.”
“Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?”
“I was a musician.”
“Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen…..”

A jazz musician goes to the doctor to hear the results of a physical check up.
Doctor: I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. You only have three weeks to live.
Musician: On what?

Kenny G has made a new album featuring his own adaptations of Thelonious Monk compositions. The album includes some truly unforgettable tracks such as ‘Round Noon’ and ‘Straight No Changes’.

Two musicians and a drummer are at a bar…

What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? The rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 1,000 people, the jazz guitarists plays 1,000 chords for 3 people.

PIANIST: “OK, I’ll Remember April. First six bars in Ab. Bar 7 modulate down to F. Bar 12, back up to Ab but in 7/8.”

SINGER: “That’s crazy! I couldn’t possibly do that!”

PIANIST: “You did last night . . . “

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other. The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. So he pulls out his upright bass and starts taking a solo. Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months. Shocked by this, the couple asks the counselor: “How did you know that would work?” 

“Simple,” he says, “Everyone always talks during the bass solo.”

What’s the difference between a dead squirrel on the side of the road and a dead trombone player? The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

How do you make a jazz guitarist play quieter? Put a chart in front of him.

How do you get a jazz musician off your front porch? Pay for the pizza.

How do you know who won the trumpet solo battle? Whichever one played the highest and loudest.

What would you have to do to make a jazz musician feel bad about their playing? Absolutely nothing.

Have any jazz jokes? Leave them in the comment section below.

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Brent Vaartstra is a professional jazz guitarist and educator living in New York City. He is the head blogger and podcast host for learnjazzstandards.com which he owns and operates. He actively performs around the New York metropolitan area and is the author of the Hal Leonard publications "500 Jazz Licks" and "Visual Improvisation for Jazz Guitar." To learn more, visit www.brentvaartstra.com.

7 COMMENTS

  1. what happens when you put a jazz musician and a rapper in a washing machine??
    ANSWER: Avant-garde!!! aka Battle of the Bands XD

  2. Asked what he would do if he won the Super Max lottery, a jazzer thought a moment and said, "I don't know man. I guess I'd just keep gigging till it was all gone."

  3. A Musician: The only person that would load £5,000 worth of equipment into £500 van to drive 250 miles to a £50 gig.

  4. A trombone player parked his car at a convenience store to buy a pack of cigarettes – but he left his trombone in the back seat.
    When he came out, his window was broken and… there were TWO trombones in the back seat!

  5. A jazz musician is walking down the street when he happens to look up and see a man about to jump from the ledge of a building.

    Jazzman: "Hey, man! Don't jump! Bird lives, baby!"
    Jumper: "Who's Bird?"
    Jazzman: "Jump, motherfucker!"

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